For Noah
.
I am standing here in my parent’s house looking outside of my childhood‘s bathroom window photographing a tree.
It’s the same window where I stood back in 1994 when Kurt Cobain died, secretly smoking a cigarette, window wide open, looking at mentioned tree. I was twelve years old and I felt so wise and mature, like I’ve seen it all. Little did I know.
Three years later The Notorious B.I.G was shot and my puberty had kicked in. The bathroom window was wide open, door locked, headphones plugged into a Walkman and I was absolutely convinced that my parents couldn’t differ between the smell of a cigarette and weed. While they were very busy with their own relationship I lit up fat crispy five dollar bill on the real before it’s history (Win a free print if you get the reference). I exhaled and looked at the tree. I have seen it all, I thought and I felt like a grown up. I was just high.
More than a decade later, same location: The tree is wrapped in thick layers of fog that are occasionally cut through by the orange light of a street lamp. It’s in the middle of the night and I’m smoking a cigarette. Although I moved out a few years ago I visit my parents place very regular. I just came out of a relationship with a girl who had issues or maybe I had issues and it became toxic between two young adults who should not relate to anyone else but themselves. One floor below me my father approached the last stage of his cancer disease. It’s the point when the cancer sucks out the last signs of vitality out of a human body. It literally eats up what it finds and it left my father lying on a nursing bed, that we rented , mouth wide open, gasping for air. He made this horrifying noise while breathing and I sometimes just couldn’t listen to it. What I didn’t know back then, this stage would remain for another painfully long lasting three months but thankfully after that foggy night we decided to bring my father into a hospice. It was the night before my 30th birthday. I was old enough to know that I haven’t seen it all but I just couldn’t take it no more..
Another ten years later I’m starring out of the bathroom window at my parents home towards the tree. I gladly stopped smoking a few years ago and I’m on a visit with my son, my second child who’s soon going to be the middle child as we are expecting our third kid. I wanted to give him some extra time with me and grandma while my daughter enjoys some extra treats with my wife. It’s a mild summer evening and I reminisce over the past as I turn 40 soon. I am at a point in my life where I am much happier then I ever was. After my father had passed away I went into a very sad episode of my life until I met Alex.. After one year of dating her, she got pregnant. She lost her mom, I lost my job, she got pregnant a again, we married and we built a house. My life changed upside down. I’m pretty sure that some of my friends from back in the days might say that I disappeared in some sort of way but let me tell you something:
For most of my life I wasn’t as close to myself as I am now and I am happy with no regrets.
The tree appears very green today. It’s mid summer and all I know is that I have not seen it all and I am curious what’s next.
And then I’ll photograph it.